“I Don’t Understand”: Teaching Children It’s Okay to Ask for Help

Imagine being handed something you don't understand.

Everyone around you seems to know exactly what to do.

You look at the directions.

You look at everyone else.

And you still don't get it.

But you don't know how to tell anyone.

So maybe you push it away.

Maybe you put your head down.

Maybe you walk away.

Maybe you get frustrated.

From the outside, someone might see a child who “won't do it.”

But what if that child is actually trying to say:

“I don't understand.”

At Thrive Pediatric Behavioral Health, we believe one of the most important things we can teach a child isn't how to always know the answer.

It's how to ask for help when they don't.

Sometimes “I Can't” Looks Like “I Won't”

As adults, it's easy to look at behavior and make assumptions.

They're not listening.

They're refusing.

They know how to do this.

But children don't always have the words to explain what's happening.

A child staring at a worksheet may not understand the directions.

A child refusing to put on their shoes may be struggling with the laces.

A child standing on the edge of a group game may want to join but have no idea how.

A child becoming frustrated with a new task may simply need someone to show them what to do.

That's why before we ask:

“Why won't they do this?”

It can be helpful to ask:

“Do they know how?”

“Help Me” Is a Powerful Skill

We often think independence means doing everything by yourself.

It doesn't.

Think about how often adults ask for help.

We ask a coworker to explain something.

We call someone when the car makes a weird noise.

We ask for directions when we're lost.

We watch a tutorial when we don't know how to fix something.

Knowing when you need help and how to ask for it is part of being independent.

We want children to learn that too.

“Help me.”

“Can you show me?”

“I don't know.”

“Can you say that again?”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“Can I have more time?”

Those aren't signs of failure.

They're signs that a child is learning to advocate for themselves.

There Is Courage in Saying “I Don't Know”

Sometimes asking for help can feel vulnerable.

Children may worry they'll get the answer wrong.

They may notice other children doing something more easily.

They may have experienced adults saying:

"Come on, you know this."

So instead of asking for help, they avoid the situation altogether.

We want to change that.

We want children to know:

You don't have to know everything.

You don't have to get everything right the first time.

It's okay to need help.

And most importantly:

There are people who will help you.

Give Them Time to Ask

Sometimes adults are so good at anticipating a child's needs that we accidentally take away the opportunity for them to advocate for themselves.

We see the juice box they can't open...

and open it.

We see the zipper they're struggling with...

and zip it.

We notice they're confused...

and immediately show them what to do.

It comes from love.

But sometimes waiting just a few extra seconds gives a child the opportunity to realize:

I need something.

I know who can help me.

I can ask.

And then comes:

“Can you help me?”

That's a pretty big moment.

Help Can Look Different for Every Child

Not every child will say the words “I need help.”

And that's okay.

A child might hand someone a HELP card.

• They might use sign language.

• They might select “help” on their communication device.

• They might point.

• They might bring an item to an adult.

• They might learn a simple gesture.

The goal isn't for every child's communication to look the same.

The goal is for every child to have a way to say:

“I need you.”

And for the people around them to understand.

What Happens When Mom and Dad Aren't There?

This is the part that can be hard to think about.

As parents, we become experts at our children.

• We recognize the confused look.

• We know when frustration is building.

• We know when they need a break.

• We know when they're trying to open something and are about three seconds away from throwing it across the room.

Sometimes we know they need help before they ever have to ask.

But we won't always be there.

There will be classrooms we aren't sitting in.

Activities we aren't attending.

Friends' houses where we aren't in the next room.

Eventually, there may be college classes, workplaces, relationships, and communities they'll navigate without us standing beside them.

We can't possibly prepare our children for every difficult situation they'll encounter.

But we can help them learn what to do when they don't know what to do.

We can teach them:

• Find someone you trust.

• Tell them you don't understand.

• Ask a question.

• Ask them to show you.

• Ask for help.

And keep asking until someone listens.

Someday, They May Not Need Us to Step In

There may come a day when your child is struggling with something.

You'll notice.

Your parent instincts will kick in.

You'll start to move toward them.

And then...

before you can say anything, you'll hear:

“Excuse me, can you help me?”

And you'll stop.

Because they did it.

They recognized they needed help.

They found someone who could help them.

And they spoke up for themselves.

To everyone else, it might look like a tiny interaction.

To you, it might feel enormous.

Because little by little, you're watching your child learn how to navigate the world without needing you to navigate every part of it for them.

Asking for Help Is Independence

At Thrive Pediatric Behavioral Health, we want children to become increasingly independent.

But independence doesn't mean:

“I can do everything alone.”

It means:

“I can try.”

“I can make choices.”

“I know when something isn't working.”

“I know when I need help.”

And...

“I know how to ask for it.”

One day, Mom and Dad won't always be right beside them.

But hopefully, something you've taught them will be:

• I don't have to have all the answers.

• I don't have to struggle alone.

• It's okay to say, “I don't understand.”

• It's okay to ask for help.

Because asking for help isn't giving up.

Sometimes, it's one of the most independent things a child can learn to do.

Family Centered. Child Focused. ABA Therapy Made Fun.